What Our Parents Should Of Taught US
What I am about to tell you comes from deep in my heart. It is from years of experience and how if I could do it over I would do it differently. I want you to have an unbelievable life filled with Love. In a way I know you will make a lot of mistakes like I have in trying to find love. I just hope I can make a difference and show you some of the pitfalls to avoid. I hope you know you too can find love. I pray you don’t miss it like some many people have and die without finding your true Adam/Eve. You can choose here to numb up, give into what culture is teaching you or you can embrace a different way of life. One that Jesus came to tell us about living and loving from our heart. This is the life God intended you to have. Here is what I tell my daughters and son. At the end I have written some honesty letters I hope you will use as you purse finding love.
I would do it differently but no one told me these things I am telling you. I think we as parents are afraid if we tell you our mistakes you will want to make the same ones! I doubt that. You will make different ones. I want to equip you with wisdom and tools to help you navigate life. This is really important for most of us the pain in life is from making poor choices about love because no one taught us these relationship skills early on it our lives. We just had to figure this out by trial and error.
(FOR MEN)
Young men you have tremendous power and influence over young women. They seek and want your approval which causes them to want to please you. This wanting to please you sexually is not out of love but out of the need to be accepted by you. So remember when you ask her to have sex with you that you are taking something very precious from her. You are taking part of her heart, her gift and you are trying to fit that missing rib piece. You cannot give it back to her through words or any deeds. You take a small piece of her flesh, her spirit. In my experience I live with the thought of everyone woman I have had intimate relations with and today that does not feel right in my heart.
As men we find ourselves pursuing woman with all sorts of energy and charm. We romance them. We treat them like gifts they are. This courting process is very intense and the women love it. Why do they love it? They soak it up because this is what their hearts dream about to be treated like a princess. The problem comes when we do capture their hearts, we become intimate with them then soon after when the chase is over and thrill of the capture is over we lose interest. We have conquered them got to know them intimately then something in us loses interest so we dump them. The women feel used for they ask why did he pursue me so hard then to have sex with me then he left me. Why I don’t understand I must not be good enough pretty enough, not sexy enough!! Why did we lose interest? I will submit to you all that what drives us to find Eve, to woe her, get to Know her is that innate drive to find our missing piece. I don’t care how old we are 16 or 50 this drive also about us not wanting to be truly alone. We mistakenly call this a sex drive and therefore seek to satisfy it by just a physical act. What I want you to understand that just satisfying the physical desire by using women will cause you and her much harm. You will find out that the physical act done alone with love and commitment creates a bigger need. Lust takes over you will look for more and more experiences to fill this unquenchable desire. This will lead you to high risk sex and porn. Porn will destroy your ability to be truly intimate with a woman. Porn does not require intimacy it doesn’t require you to be a man. It is false sexuality and a sin. Everything around from movies to main stream media to your friends have deceived you by telling you sex is selfish and about gratification. Seriously men this where we get our hearts into lots of trouble, this is not the way to find meaning in life. We are conditioned and rewired to have sex before we develop love and intimacy and commitment. For the most part woman have not be rewired to the extent by culture like we have. They still understand their hearts much better than we do and seek commitment, intimacy and love prior to sex. But they give in to your constant pressure because they fear they will not be like if they don’t and culture is also making them think it’s ok to give in even though their hearts and intuition cry out “NO, I don’t even really know this guy.”
Men you have a huge task in front of you and that is to rewire yourself to control your impulses, to discipline your sexual desire and energies and focus those in other places, hopefully to advance God’s kingdom. You don’t have to conquer women to be a man. You have to be careful with you strength for this ability has been give to use to not find many women but to find that ONE WOMAN your EVE. Save as much as you can for that one. Then when you have found her give her all you got. Give her the Gift of You for a life time, better yet how about for an eternity. I know I know this is a huge sacrifice I struggle with this myself. But I believe and there are men who have done this and the payoff can be more joy than you can believe or you can do it like most of us WRONG be unhappily married, unfulfilled, stressed out and miss out on finding your true EVE. She is out there just don’t settle and don’t give up until you can SAY as Adam said “this is bone of my bone flesh of my flesh”. Her are some signs you found her when your friends all say you are stupid for not marrying her soon. Then you know you have found the right one! J If your friends and family don’t like her beware. Also listen to God he will definitely help primarily through irritations. When you don’t heed the irritations God has shown you then you are doomed for troubles trust me I ignored way to many!
THE HONESTY LETTERS for men – If you could ask each new love interest you encounter after the first date to write you a letter this is what each might say. We’ll put a spell of absolute truth on them so they really tell you their thoughts. I don’t think you will need a spell but a simple pray of discernment might help. These are three letters the first from the HURTING SARA, the second the POPULAR JANE, the third from SWEET HEART let’s call her your Eve. I hope these help you identify the right men to date.
Letter 1
Dear Adam:
I am HURTING SARA. I have a lot of problems and I am depressed most of the time because the mistakes and choices I have made early in my life. I don’t feel safe or right if I am not with a man. I go from one relationship to the next. I hate being alone. I had sex when I was 14 with a guy that was 18. He dumped me after he had sex with me. He said I was too immature. I like to party and drink vodka, it takes away my worries. My parents don’t understand me and pretty much leave me alone. They don’t care when I come home at night. Most of my problems are not my fault. I really don’t enjoy sex, but I will do it to please you, so you will stay around. I wear sexy cloths to get attention. School is a drag. I am not involved in much it just a waste of time. I hope you think I am pretty because my self esteem is really low. You need to tell me I am pretty all the time. Sometimes I think I don’t want to live. Please don’t ever leave me, I don’t know what I would do without you.
Sincerely, HURTING SARA
Letter 2
Dear Adam:
My name is POPULAR JANE. I am so busy that I may not have much time to spend with you. I am captain of the dance team. I play soccer on two teams and I take piano and I am in honors everything. Forgot to tell you I am in two after school clubs. I have lots of friends who admire me for how beautiful I am and that I have a new convertible. I want to be upfront, life is about me and what you can do for me. So you need to be the perfect boyfriend and make me look good at all times. I expect you to be romantic especially in how you ask me to parties. I want all the others girls to be jealous of me, how you show me you like me. I love gifts especially jewelry. I don’t like your friends their stupid, so don’t expect me to hang out with you and them all together. I go to church with my parents and church is cool, but I just don’t get it, however it's great place to hang out with friends and be seen.
If we are to someday get married, I will be very expensive to take care, so you should want to make a lot of money. You know I am my daddy’s little princess. I really don’t want to work that is for other people. And one of my pet peeves is that you are not to roll down the windows in your car when I am with you because it will mess my hair up that took me 2 hours to straighten this morning. Oh, I almost forgot I love to talk on the phone, but don’t go deep with me I hate that and that is not what life’s about anyway. Got to go, lots to do, people to see and talk to!
Lots of Love, POPULAR JANE
Letter 3
Dear Adam:
My name is Eve. Our first date was amazing I have never talked to man like you. You are so honest and open. It was so cool you took me to that lookout tower to see the city lights and just to talk to me and get to know me. It was nice on the 2nd date you asked to hold my hand. I just wanted you to know, I really want to wait until I am married to have sex. If that bothers you I understand most boys dump me when they hear that. I kind of think that’s all young men want these days. I hope you’re different. I am very active at church and volunteering my free time at the homeless shelter once a month. I want to study psychology in college so I can work with kids who have mental disorders. My parents are pretty cool and are proud of whom I am. My Dad is really protective so beware. Also, my brother’s look out for me, but I asked them about you and they said you were ok to date. Trust is a big deal for me in a relationship. I will always tell you the truth. I have a lot to give to the man I love. I want to make sure we are friends even if this doesn’t work out between us. I look forward to getting to know you. Thanks for the great first two dates.
Love, Eve
(FOR WOMEN)
I need you to be careful for you hold a power over men you might not understand today. Most of you know this already. God created you as the crowning touch of His creation giving you beauty not only physically but in your whole being. You can stir in men a deep desire for union, for sex. Be careful how you stir them. The clothes you wear the things you say and the touches you give them. These are all signals men process without you knowing it. I don’t think you realize they want more from you than I think most of you want to give. You are equipped differently than men. You are much more in tune with your heart. You sense the Holy Spirit presence in you. Some call it intuition. It is that knowing at a different level than that of the mind. Your inner wisdom and life experiences are just not enough to deal with the longing and desires of your heart. This is what makes your young age so dangerous to your heart. I have seen the most deep and life altering wounds come to women when they are in their teens and early twenties. This is the time when you need to seriously guard your hearts. Most often than not these wounds come because your hearts lead you to what you thought was love and commitment and it wasn’t it.
When love is new it is intoxicating. It feels like nothing could ever go wrong with this. Your right it is beautiful, it is freeing, it is how God wants us to love him and the way He loves us. He gave it to you for a reason to draw you closer to your Adam. However, to develop real love and intimacy it takes time not 2 weeks 2 month but most often years. Not only does it take time, it takes work to know someone intimately. Trust is core and we can only trust another completely as we see how they act, how talk, how these men treat you. A woman friend said to me something that is so true, “everything will be found out sooner or later.” Meaning we need time to know someone deeply before we commit our secrets to them.
Let’s talk about what a good man is about. Let’s set the standards high, for the quest is for your Adam. No halfway, no substitute, no giving in! First a man is about the truth. No half truths no white lies. He is only as good as his word. If he can’t keep his word to you or others get rid of him. This you should not budge on. This is the basis for trust in a relationship. Next is loyalty. He is with you completely or no relationship. If he constantly looking around at other women and not focused on you then this one has to go. Hear this YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN OR DOMESTICATE HIM. NOT your job let a half dozen other women take a try at. Let them realized whose really in control that is God. Advice: A man’s mission in life is not to make your life easier. He and you will need his mission in life to be something bigger. He needs the freedom and encouragement to give and make this a better world and push the Kingdom forward. Let him go fight the war then come back to your love. Give him a safe place to rest from his mission. Encourage him and he will prosper and provide you more love if let him do this.
Why we like bad boys!!!
God will communicate and guide you in this adventure to find your Adam. God’s communications will always be there to assist you. You just have to learn to listen. He loves to help primarily with irritating you. When something bugs you, causes pain your heart or just doesn’t feel right this is Him telling to open your eyes and act. If you ignore His help then for sure you will suffer. Sometimes you might have to suffer in the short term to avoid a major heart break later on. I can tell you I missed countless communications from God and rationalized those irritations away pushed them down to only have them re-appear later as catastrophes.
God has given you beauty, given you the ability to give life, He has given you a heart to share with the world. The world needs you in your full capacity. God made our bodies for one other person to give as a gift to each other as way of expressing love. Sex is the means by which we ultimately express that love. It is a giving up of our most inner secret and gift. It is the total expression of who we are. It is a tying of our spirit to another person. It is an act of rejoining not only with a man but with God. It is a place where you reveal your heart totally. Sex without love wounds our hearts it reduces this love act to physical release robbing your heart of its true need and that is being so connected to another man it creates a temporary heaven on earth, a safe place that no one else can enter no one else can destroy that no one else can understand but you two. It is truly life’s meaning and secret. Please contemplate in your heart before you give this gift to a man. Before you give him your gift for it is not much of a gift you have given the same thing to a handful of other men. I know deep in your hearts that you want to save and protect this for your Adam, your last lover.
THE HONESTY LETTERS for women – If you could ask each new love interest you encounter after the first date to write you a letter this is what each might say. We’ll put a spell of absolute truth on them so they really tell you their thoughts. I don’t think you will need a spell but a simple pray of discernment might help. These are three letters the first from the BAD BOY, the second the SELFISH JOCK, the third from GOOD YOUNG MAN let’s call him your Adam. I hope these help you identify the right men to date.
Letter 1
Dear Eve:
My name is BAD BOY. I graduated last year and I am not sure college is right for me. I am a lot of fun. I like to push life to max. I am dangerous. I take risks I probably shouldn’t. I really can’t stand my parents they don’t understand me. I like to get drunk and sometimes smoke pot. Again I like to live life to the fullest. Sex is important to me because its fun and feels good. I hope you like sex because I expect it and the sooner the better. I have had lots of girlfriends some call me a player. I am popular and good looking as you know. Life is about what I can get from it. I have a fast car in which I like to push to the limits, probably not so safe at times. I really don’t want to meet your dad but if you make me I will. My friends will say bad things about you if you try to make me no fun. I will tell you what I what you want to hear so I can get what I want. I don’t like your friends, they talk too much. Why do you like your parents? You’re too emotional. So it’s really about me you should know that and as long as I get what I want I will keep you around. Love who needs love lets just have fun and not be serious.
See you Saturday night, meet me a Ben’s party. I will get some alcohol for you. See if you can spend the night at a friend’s where you can stay out late! Your parents are too strict. Got to go!
Bad Boy
Letter 2
Dear Eve:
My name is SELFISH JOCK. I am the stud running back on the football team and I lettered when I was a sophomore. I live in that real expensive neighborhood just down the street from the school. You should come over to check it out. I got a new porche for my birthday last year because I got better than a “C” average on my report card. Let’s get things started right in this relationship. I want you to look good when you’re with me. That’s right I have an image to up hold. I only date the pretty most popular girls. Don’t be embarrassed if I tell all my buddies about our relationship and especially the sex part. Man they love to hear how good I am. My parents think I hung the moon and that I do nothing wrong. I like to drink but not during football can’t risk a MIP, coach would bench me for sure. I will meet your dad and act like a gentleman so you can be rest assured too that your mom will love my charm, my nice guy approach always works. Why do you talk so much? That bugs me a lot. I don’t like prudes are you one? Why do you spend so much time at church? Isn’t it boring? Do your parents make you go? Don’t ask me to go I will feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to get to serious, just serious enough to have sex with you. My friends are more important than you. If I start blowing you off and not paying attention to you then that’s a sign I don’t want to date you anymore. I am trying to let you down easy so you will not be hurt. I have a hard time being honest and I am not sure what I want in a woman, so if I change my mind you will have to guess.
See ya soon, SELFISH JOCK
Letter 3
Dear Eve:
My name is Adam and I had a great time with you over the past two dates. Our conversations were amazing. I love that you go to church and are passionate about helping people. I like your smile it lights up the room. I can listen to you talk all night, sorry about the late night calls but it so nice to go to bed knowing that I met a really cool girl. I have to be honest having sex is really risky you know with pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases! If any of that happened it would really change my life. I really hope you want to wait too. I really want to give you a kiss so when you’re ready please let me know. It was nice that your dad is so worried about you when he talked to me before our first date. What a good dad you have that is awesome and makes me feel better about who you are. Your mom invited me to dinner next week that sounds like fun to get to know them better. I hope your brother likes me. I am looking forward to getting to know you. If I ever make you feel upset or something goes wrong between us I hope you know that you can tell me anything and I will not judge you.
As you know my work, school and my passion for soccer are important to me. But I want you to know you are important too. I would really enjoy you watching me play and I so want to see you dance. As I told you on the first date I am a pretty private and trust is important. You are amazing thanks for giving me a chance to get to know you.
Sincerely, Adam
Can you tell the different perspective on life each of these young men have? See how the focus should be on you? Do you feel the heart of the Adam letter? I pray that God gives you the ability to discern with your heart the truth. Let us remember the words Paul used in letter to the Corinthians about Love. If there is a passage ever to keep with you it is this:
1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.
13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. (1 Corinthians 12 The Message)
It is also important to know what love and life is not so we turn to Galatians 5:
16 So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. 17 The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. 18 But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses.
19 When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, 21 envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
I want to leave you with a challenge. Your parents have been through all this themselves. Maybe not the exactly the same way you are going through things but I bet if you seek their knowledge and wisdom they will open up a wealth of wisdom that you can surely use. I know it’s difficult to talk to them about these things it may be tough to start but be persistant and keeping an open heart will help you develop a new rapport with them. Remember something in them doesn’t want to tell you the mistakes and bad decisions they made because they think it will be a license for you to make those same ones. Because they drank at an early age doesn’t give you the right either. They probably don’t want to tell you all the icky details of their mistakes either just don’t judge them for their own mistakes it has made them who they are and that’s why you love them. Most young people I know don’t want to make the mistakes of their parents. They want to be better people to have more joy and love and less pain.
We all learn best from Story. It is why the bible is a collection of thousands of stories otherwise called parables. We all have a story to tell even at your age. In the end the choices you make are yours to live with forever. The ones you make now will affect you the rest of your story. The question is what story do you want to tell your kids in the future good ones or bad ones?
