The wounds we deliver - Parenthood

The words of Henri Nouwen, a Jesuit Priest remind me today of words that I have spoken often to my fellow parents that our kids are strangers in our house. We have been given these children to help them find God’s purpose for their lives. What I want to call your attention to is the wounds we give our children that we might not realize we inflict upon them. My own experience is that the greatest wound we can give to our kids is to treat them as our property. When we treat them as if we own them, it brings out own insecurity and lack of faith that God will work out their lives without our control and manipulation. The foundation/covenant of God’s love and therefore ours too is to love. Foundational to love is freedom; a freedom to make decisions as to what is right(towards God’s will) or wrong(away from God’s will). Controlling our kids breeds great anxiety in them by fostering a fear if they do make their own decision and it results in a failure that we might not love them or judge them; judgment is a withdrawal of love.

I have seen and experienced firsthand the lifelong damage that controlling parents have had on their grown children. The results of this judgment and control breed insecure adults who are unable to deal with how hard life is, so they turn to coping mechanisms like alcohol, drugs, materialism, and sex. These coping mechanisms let them feel good temporarily and in the end due to the guilt of the cover up sins, it compounds the original defeating issue resulting in furthering to decrease their self esteem(worth less to God or anyone feeling). Insecurity is really a lack of feeling loved and when we are not loved the burn of loneliness creeps in. A wise psychologist said that these life forces rule our every decision in life; fear of abandonment, need for autonomy, and the need to be connected. Funny thing is this sounds like the basis of love and it came from a non-Christian therapist.

I know and have been guilty of trying to control my kid’s by telling them what do and think in hopes they will not make a mistake. We as parents need to realize our mistakes made us who we are today. Most of you I know well enough to somewhat understand your wounds. It is the healing of those wounds that has made each of us into beautiful works of God and why I enjoy and learn from each of you. God literally broke/killed His only Son in order to give us life. So, I plead with each one of you today to let your kids make mistakes and not control them, so they too can know Jesus and understand that we like Him, love them no matter what they do. My job is to share my experiences with my kids and to create a safe loving environment by which if they do fail/fall that they can come to me and God for comfort and further guidance. If we take the vantage point of controlling them, they will seek someone other than us or God to bear their mistake which is usually not a good thing.

Don’t take my word look at your friends who had controlling judgmental parents. I will bet most of them have issues that are apparent. Take a minute to read the excerpt below. I know you will and especially your kids be blessed by Henri’s wisdom.

The Great Gift of Parenthood
Children are their parents' guests. They come into the space that has been created for them, stay for a while - fifteen, twenty, or twenty-five years - and leave again to create their own space. Although parents speak about "our son" and "our daughter," their children are not their property. In many ways children are strangers. Parents have to come to know them, discover their strengths and their weaknesses, and guide them to maturity, allowing them to make their own decisions.The greatest gift parents can give their children is their love for each other. Through that love they create an anxiety-free place for their children to grow, encouraging them to develop confidence in themselves and find the freedom to choose their own ways in life.
These reflections are taken from Henri J.M. Nouwen's Bread for the Journey.

I Don't Trust

I don’t trust a man who hasn’t suffered; I don’t let a man get close to me who hasn’t faced his wound. Think of the posers you know—are they the kind of man you would call at 2:00 A.M., when life is collapsing around you? Not me. I don’t want clichés...; I want deep, soulful truth, and that only comes when a man has walked the road. By John Eldredge "Wild at Heart"

AS, TA and 2 others like this.

TV
agreed
Mon at 2:48pm

TA
Not only suffered, but a) are unafraid to admit it, and b) are living from a place of seeing the value in it and has grown from it. Thanks for sharing this Mike. Let's get together sometime soon.
Mon at 4:01pm

LS
When u state a man who hasn't faced his wound - what do u mean here? Is that to own up to his doings?? Confessing of wrongs to yourself or others? I do know Sherry and Mindy are two I would and could call at 2 am. Good people like u!
Tue at 11:46am


Me
Our wounds are from the past inflicted upon us by others. A divorce, cheating spouse, addictions, real failures, and those wounds are parents gave are the deepest. These are the wounds we all have and it these wounds God uses to help others. Jesus us healed us through His wounds. Our wounds we bring to our marriages and in most cases they are what causes most of the difficulties. Acknowledge we are broken wounded children of God lets the healing begin.
Tue at 12:49pm

JG
Mike I read the book brother and I could not disagree with you "Wild at Heart" is an awesome book that I recommend all men to read. Wounds come in many different styles and flavors I find it to be very inspiring when one can confess the truth of his wounds. The problem I see is that most people are bias and uses those wounds against you once confessed. So where do you find such good people that are excepting and willing to over look the short comings of a man?
Tue at 11:10pm

LS
Sherry did a very bold and brave thing the other day and I was sooo proud of her openness about her past and not all of it is was roses.. but she sent me this and learning from my past and realizing we are not perfect and all have past faults but we must love the person for who they are not who we want them to be..... Who we are tells us alot about our walk with God- past and present- Here is an email quote she sent me. the beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them...thomas merton
Yesterday at 9:35am


Me
Those who face their wounds find that God has given them their purpose in it. Look at John Walsh who hosts/found Americas Most Wanted. His passion and purpose came out of the wound of his son being murdered. Lara and Sherry show us in there message above what great women know and show us how to love that is why we need a woman. There are many friends here on my facebook that sneer and criticize me for my openness and the subjects i wrestle with. It is disheartening that my friends drop me from facebook because of my openness. In history any great man or woman has found their God given purpose through a wound. I know God is doing something spectacular with the wounds of my failed marriage. He has given me ministry to work with young men to share with them the mistakes I have made in dating and choosing a woman to marry. It is so amazing to see these young men wrestle with me and God. What is beautiful Joe is there are men out here wanting to heal and share their stuff.
Yesterday at 9:51am