No longer numbed by culture and my own ego I find the movement of my heart tough to bear. The energy and pain it takes to follow Jesus is much more than I ever expected. The church does not tell us the reality of this and they go so far as to tell us that Christianity is full of bliss and reward; the easy way. Maybe that’s numb Christianity, the so called DOING Christianity they are referring to. Numb meaning I shied away from any type of pain or sorrow. I avoid any sort of situation where compassion was needed. It felt awkward when someone told me they were hurting. I did not know what to say or do. Funerals no way! I looked for any excuse not go. I remember a good friend of mine died in college from a tragic car accident. His funeral was so unbearable to me. So I did life with an unreal positive outlook and convinced myself that if I was just positive enough nothing would go wrong. People that had problems just had bad karma from not being positive. How wrong I was, how dumb, how insensitive I must have been. In short I thought I was a little god that I controlled my world. Well in a way all that pain and sorrow built up in me stored in my heart and then over time I cracked. God started the process of cleaning me out. He took it all my marriage, a successful business, and all my materials thing after that he called my name and gave me my heart back clean and opened up. Now I can feel my heart again the numbness gone but not forgotten.
There is almost a guilt I feel when I tell people about my faith and love for God. Guilt in that I am telling them if they choose a life like I have (God chose me to have) they will no longer be numb and without the numbing medication of culture and their ego life will be painful. The pain I feel is seeing so many people losing their hearts and living for their own neediness and self satisfaction. I see the effects that anger and pride have on those they love. The harm this causes their wives and kids is hard to bare. I see through them into their brokenness; of the wounds their loved ones inflicted on them over the years. I see people walking around bleeding and in silent pain. I pray Jesus heals them; stops the onslaught from the devil on their hearts. Only thing that quenches this pain is love. Love of a woman, love for my kids and family. This only gets me back to feeling even, far from the joy the church promises. It is loving God that gets me above and beyond the pain.
So I tell you my friends that my life of old was like comparing a black/white TV when we had the old rabbit ears and most stations came in a little snowy/fuzzy to that of our modern color LCD flat panel TV. However, I am not seeing the Kingdom in high definition. I ask God every day to give me the eyes, ears, and heart to see His Kingdom. Lord will you give to me high definition for I want to know You more? I cannot go back to old way of life, no way I would rather die. In a way I am dying. In this process of dying to things of this world, I no longer find a need to acquire material things, conquer woman to make myself feel like a man, keep up with the Jones’, needing to make myself look good in the eyes of others, or worry about the judgments’ of others. I look forward to dying and my soul being released to be with God and loved ones who have passed before me. I look forward to eternity with those that I love.
