I so struggle with the need to be successful although I am feeling less and less compelled to it as I am releasing culture’s pressure to be that way. My kids don’t care they ask for nothing beyond our means and I love them for that beyond what I can show them at their age. When I use the term success to mean doing better than my peers. Making more money have more stuff. As I peel those layers away I very aware of how my needs have changed.
What really matters is I pay my debts for my past materialistic behaviors. Those are debts I have promised to pay and I will make good on them. It would be a scary edgy feeling if I was debt free, owned my own home and car outright what I might be able to do instead I chance more money to repay those debtors. Do I so every regret my past arrogance and belief that I am so good that I can repay that debt anytime. What a burden it has put on me for so many years. It caused so much stress on me that I sometimes kick the cat so to speak.
My father was such a great role model who saved his money and is retired without a financial worry at 60 years old. He is so tight that his flare jeans he received as a gift in the 70’s are still like new in the closet and now are back in style.
Maybe my issue is thinking that I am at this center of this world and everything I do I have control over. When in reality I control nothing. This thin flimsy belief in my abilities is so wrong and so stressful I could just blow up at times and I did when things weren’t perfect. Now I realize my gifts, my God given talents are not about control or money or status or what I own or posses it’s about giving my gifts to others.
I have also realized that giving my gifts is both rewarding and also flat out scary. My success now is about giving my gifts to everyone I meet. I know some will not like the gift but that is not my responsibility. If I give you something it is because I had too. The longer we go without giving our gift the farther from joy we stray.
